Friday, June 17, 2011

Feeling Crummy

I've just been feeling kinda down this week. I'm not sure if I can put it all into words, but I'll try. Writing stuff out usually seems to help.
Part of the funk I'm in has to do with me feeling like I'm failing Monster as a mother. :(

Other than on the weekends, I only see him for maybe an hour in the morning while I'm getting ready for work, and then a few hours in the evening when I get home from work - but the evening time is spent with me cooking dinner, then us eating dinner, and some nights we have somewhere to run off to. Monday's its Bible Study. Thursday's it's band practice. So on those days, I'm only home for maybe an hour and a half at most. And I'm cooking dinner and then we're eating. By the time I get home, it's bed time. And on the nights we don't have anywhere to be, there's always the "something else" - whether it's working on the VBS plans for this year, or just trying to get in some internet time, etc.

The weekends are a bit better. We're typically home all day Saturday, or at least all together on family outings. But that's when we do the housecleaning - so that's more time that I'm not getting to play with him, but instead he entertains himself while I do laundry, sweep, and so on. Oh, and don't forget the grocery shopping. That's takes away from our fun time, too.

Sundays we're at church for the first half of the day (from band practice before service, through service, and then small groups) and we're not togther - he's in the nursery, I'm in service or my class. After that we go to the in-laws' house for supper. Which is always great. Except that all of us adults want to spend time with each other, and they all want to spend time with Monster too. So that's not really "Monster + Mommy" time either.
I guess I just feel like I'm missing so much. He's growing so fast, and one day he's not going to want me to sit on the floor and play cars with him, or chase him around the house on my hands and knees. (currently favorite game) :)

I know I'm blessed to have such wonderul people caring for him while I work - he gets to spend 2 days a week with Grandma, and 3 days a week with a close family friend who has known me since I was a little girl. He is very loved while I'm away, and he gets lots of play time, etc. So I guess he's not feeling like he's lacking in any of those areas.
And as much as I would love to be able to stay home with him every day, it's just not realistic. I'm not cut out to be a SAHM. If I stayed home every day all the household chores would be MY responsibility... haha. Currently, Ben & I spilt things pretty evenly when we clean on the weekends. That would change if I was home all day. See this picture? Do you notice something weird about it... the woman in the pictures is smiling. That, my friends, is not me. Not by a long shot. I don't like housework, and I wouldn't want to be responsible for all if it, every day. You can bet I wouldn't be smiling like this crazy lady...

Plsu I'd also miss adult social interaction. Oh, and not to mention that we couldn't afford to pay our bills if I wasn't working.

So I'm left stuck where I am. I can't stay home with Monster every day. I know he's well cared for while I'm away. But I still feel like I'm failing him because it's not me caring for him and playing with him all the time. I mean, I'm lucky if we get 7 full hours of just playing together a week. Mornings he sleeps until the last possible minute when I have to get him up and ready to leave. And then maybe 1 hour each weeknight (at least the ones when I'm home) And then a few hours on Saturday or Sunday. Sure, I spend a lot of hours a week with him doing the "have-to" stuff as well - such as getting dressed... feeding...

diaper changes....driving places.... bathtime.... etc.

And you could argue that I'm not failing him because I love him, feed him, clean him, keep him safe, etc. And it's true - I'd really be failing as a mother if I didn't do those necessities. But to me, 7 hrs a week of actually getting to play with my baby just doesn't seem like enough. It feels like quite an important piece that's missing.

Is this all the result of the pregnancy hormones wreaking havoc on me? Am I crazy? Or should I be feeling this way? Those of you with little ones who also work outside the home - how many hours a week do you think you get to spend playing with them?


Chana Putnam said...

Just wanted to send some hugs your way. {{{hugs}}}

Shayla said...

Aw. First of all, what adorable photos. But I mean, life is hectic, especially when you work. To be honest I wish I had more "me" time instead of taking care of my son and working. It gets really old. I'm lucky if I get a chance to do anything. You have a very busy life, and someone once gave me the best advice ever that has stuck with me my entire life. "If you are not happy, change something...before it is too late."

When I was pregnant I felt as though I became a whole other person. I mean your interests in food and things to do sort of change....and your mood changes especially. It could be the pregnancy hormones that are making you feel this way...I was awfully depressed during the last half of my pregnancy. Hope all is well and I am sending love your way.


Jessica@The Southern Belle Baby said...

I think this is something we all struggle with as mothers. I get to take Knox to work with me, but I STILL feel this way because I don't get to interact with him all that much during the day. It's hard, but they know when their moms love them, and that's what matters. Your little guy is well taken care of!

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