Saturday, October 16, 2010

Emotionally Exhausted

I haven't written in a while. But I've sure needed to. This past week and a half have been very emotionally draining for me.

Work has been A.W.F.U.L. Just really really really awful. How awful? I almost quit on Friday, until I remembered that I am the primary income for our family, and to quit would be irresponsible and selfish. So now I feel TRAPPED in this AWFUL job. 3 years ago when I started, work was just fine. It wasn't teaching, but I figured it would do until a teaching job came around. Well over the past year, a ton of crap started happening, and this month has kinda been a climax of all of it. Now my stress level is to the point that I get bad intestinal pains every morning on my way to work. It took me a few days to realize that the pains were the physical manifestation of the stress of dreading what I might have to face that day. :( Not fun.

Home life has, thankfully, been wonderful. It's so relaxing to come home to Ben and Monster, and not have to worry about anything other than keeping Monster happy, and making dinner. Sure, there's also chores like laundry, dishes, etc., but right now - I'm at the point where I don't care if my house is spotless or as clean as it "should be". If my baby (and husband, lol) is fed, content and happy, then I'm content and happy. Household chores can always wait until the weekend.

But yesterday was stressful to the max. Yesterday was the day I wanted to yell "I QUIT" and walk out of work. Then I come home, and Ben gives me some bad news - we need to find new childcare for Monster by Jan 1st, but the sooner the better. He has been watched so far by a SAHM-Homeschooling woman who used to go to our church. But her son has learning difficulties and has not been able to concentrate on his schoolwork with a baby in the house. We had been paying just $300 a month, because that's what we could afford. Daycare centers around here for an infant run about $850 a month. We don't have an extra $550 a month just sitting around. So now we need to either find somebody else who can watch him every day for only $300 a month, or slightly more, because I'm sure we can alter the budget somewhere to get a little more for childcare - but we can't tweak $550 out of the budget. So that's an added stress - 2.5 months and counting to find a new childcare provider for the price we can pay. Ben has thought of 1 person we can ask, so we're going to be talking to her soon. But its still going to be stressful until we actually have somebody.

Now I'm actively working on my application for the local school district. And I'm at the point where I have to fill out the questionnaire thingy - oy! "Please describe your background in planning relevant, sequential learning experiences using a variety of small, flexible grouping practices."  Uh.... Ummmm...I know this one.... umm.... Yeah. 7 questions that require some thought and actual "teacher words", lol. And updating my resume, and writing a cover letter... ugh. So much to do. But if I can submit my app, and get a teaching position, then I can quit. So I'm motivated. It's just another thing on the to-do list that feels like a life or death thing, because the sooner I finish it, the sooner I might get hired. IF the districts are even hiring again yet. That's why I didn't teach last year - no hiring; only lay-offs.


Thank goodness I come home to this every day, or I think I'd lose my mind.


Mad About Pink said...

I know how you feel. I've been felling like this too sometime... lucky we have little ones to keep us happy
Mad About Pink from SB now following you

Amber said...

Monster is such a cutie!

I know what you mean about the job stresses and the childcare stresses. My oldest is 4 and my youngest is 2. We live in Nashville and childcare is so out of this world. For awhile, Rich was working during the day and I had a night job so we didn't have to pay childcare. Then he lost his day job and I ended up going full time at mine. The stresses at this place drove me insane and there were a lot of days when the only thing that kept me at my desk was the picture of the boys on my desk.

Now I'm a full time SAHM and my husband is working 2.5 jobs (full time during the day, teaching at University of Phoenix one night a week and tutoring a couple hours a week). It's always rough trying to find ways to make the money work out.

(This is PisceanMama from Swap-bot for the Bloggers Swap!)

Ingrid said...

Good Luck in the childcare search. It's always hard between the cost and finding someone you jive with. I have been lucky as I am self-employed, thus haven't had the neccessity for childcare. Lucked out and have parents that give me every Monday off from her. So hope it all works out.

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